Burqas to Be Relegated to French Carnivals & The Chubby Diet Guru

Wanna Wear a Burqa in France? Join the Circus!
In Paris, lawmakers have drafted a bill that will possibly fine Muslim women 750-euro ($1,000 USD) for wearing the full Islamic veil in France. Additionally, men who force their wives to wear the burqa or niqab could face an even heavier fine. "The proposed measure would prohibit the covering of the face in public places and on the streets, with the exception of special cultural events or carnivals," stated Jean-Francois Cope, who heads the governing UMP party in the National Assembly.



Priest Accused of Sex Abuse Jumps Off Church Balcony...and Really Hurts Himself
In Illinois, a priest accused of sexually abusing a 13-year-old boy sustained serious head injuries after jumping off a balcony inside an abandoned church. Whether the Rev. Alejandro Flores (l.), 37, was attempting suicide or is, more simply, a total idiot is unclear; as the balcony was only 20-feet-high. Instead of killing himself, the priest crashed into the pews below and is now hospitalized in intensive care.


Pastor Sends Lewd Online Video to Under-aged Girl
In Houston, a local pastor is facing federal charges after allegedly sending a lewd video of himself to a 16-year-old girl in Louisiana. Dean Richard Tarkington, 57, is the pastor of the Word of Faith Christian Center in Lubbock. While I can unfortunately imagine what Tarkington was doing in his short film, I'll never understand why these middle-aged online predators think a video of their naked, saggy bodies --and even saggier genitals-- will somehow seduce a young girl.


And Finally... Kabbalah Will Help You Lose That Fat Ass!
Wanna shed those unwanted pounds fast? Forget about dieting and sweaty workouts, just turn to Kabbalah! Wait, actually, turn to Rabbi Areyah Kaltmann (l.) who's gonna teach you the secrets to losing weight using Kabbalah! (He doesn't profit from the former proposition, you see). Anyway, Kaltmann claims to have lost 60 pounds by utilizing the mystical teachings of Kabbalah. Standing at a humble 5 foot 8 inches and now weighing 205 pounds, Kaltmann is still miles away from what anyone would consider svelte and yet he has the gall to start teaching his magical weight-loss methods to the public. "Diet Divine: The Kabalistic Secret to Weight Loss" is a six-week course that will offer a mix of theology and advice from the rabbi but absolutely no diet or exercise plans -- making it sound like every sham diet pill and fad on the market.