The Pope Spews Dope & The Miracle Cancer Cure

Dopey Pope: Gay Marriage Threat to Creation
At the Vatican, during an annual address to diplomats concerning world events, Pope Benedict (l.) attacked gay marriage, regarding it as a threat to creation. "Creatures differ from one another and can be protected, or endangered, in different ways, as we know from daily experience. One such attack comes from laws or proposals which, in the name of fighting discrimination, strike at the biological basis of the difference between the sexes," said the celibate senior. Anyway, why the hell are diplomats even listening to this loon!? What kind of actual insight can this sexually-frustrated demagogue provide!?


Couple Stabs Baby to Death in Black Magic Ritual
In Pakistan, police have arrested a couple on charges of stabbing their three-month-old baby to death in a black magic ritual they believed would make them rich. Police also recovered a three-year-old girl they feared would be killed as well. Authorities believe a witch doctor advised the couple to kill the baby as a way to attain great wealth.


Would-Be Cartoonist Murderer Now Facing Terrorism Charge
In Copenhagen, the Islamist nutjob who broke into the home of the cartoonist responsible for controversial caricatures of Mohammad in 2005 is now facing a terrorism charge in addition to two charges of attempted murder. Police say that the 28-year-old suspect has links to al Qaeda and other militant organizations. Although the man broke into the cartoonist's home on New Year's Day wielding an axe and a knife, the suspect is denying he was trying to murder anyone.


Met Pulls Images of Muhammad
In New York, The Metropolitan Museum of Art has bowed to objections by Muslims over images of Mohammad being featured in its Islamic collection, pulling the "offensive" pictures from public display, perhaps permanently.



Priest Charged with Sex Assualt
In North Carolina, a Catholic priest has been charged with second-degree sexual offense and sexual battery against a young boy. Detectives say Father Edgar Sepulveda (l.) committed the offenses in May while visiting church members.

Mallrat Rabbi Admits to Touching Teens
In Colonie, NY, a popular rabbi has admitted to "inappropriate physical contact" with two teenage boys. Rabbi Yaakov Weiss (r.) pleaded guilty to charges of child endangerment and also admitted that he instructed the boys to lie about the contact. Arrested in September 2008, Weiss, released a statement saying the allegations were "100% untrue, baseless, and a complete and utter fabrication." When he wasn't touching boys, Weiss occasionally spent his precious free time lobbying for Jewish holiday displays at the local mall.


And Finally...Lady Claims Prayer Cured Her Cancer!
In Australia, a woman is claiming she was cured of her cancer through prayer and a magical relic. After being diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer in 1993 and given months to live, Kathleen Evans (l.), 66, began wearing a relic of Mother Mary MacKillop's clothing and praying regularly. She claims to have made a full recovery through this method alone and has received no other treatment. Last month, the Pope approved Evans' recovery as Mother Mary's second miracle. Obviously, doctors and scientists are skeptical and, predictably, Evans and the Church are refusing to share medical records that might support her claims.

As someone whose dealt with cancer in my own family, I have little patience for these types of ridiculous, unsubstantiated claims. During the early stages of my mother's diagnosis, she mildly entertained the idea of bypassing chemotherapy and relying entirely on New Age treatments. And why? Because of silly stories like this one that perpetuate nonsense and distrust in modern medicine. Fortunately, she was talked out of it but I can only imagine what would have happened if she was a true believer in this type of mumbo-jumbo. Shame on those media outlets reporting this crap wholesale.